1. You must first learn to pronounce the city
name, it is "FEE-NICKS."
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to
noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's
rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways
is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the
highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example,
cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way
stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However,
East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have
the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you
will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's
another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous
in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment
pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's
driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as
drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats,
mattresses, wheelbarrows, spas, shredded tires, squirrels,
rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the
coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the
"I-10" are the same road. SR 202 is the same road
as The Red Mountain Freeway. Dunlap and Olive are the same
street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not
the same street. Rural Rd. becomes Scottsdale Rd. and vice'
versa, same with Hayden and McClintock. I-17 is also called
The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial
Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember SR 51 has
recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak
Parkway was too easy pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima Freeway.
Lastly, traveling east, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd.
Traveling west, Cactus Rd. becomes Thunderbird. But the reverse
is not true as they both dead end at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal
on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know
it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving
70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and
will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return
the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear
potholders on your hands.
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